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|Friday, January 30th, 2009|
|From Daily Journal.....
.. All the things I felt, I thought a few words and sentences could set me free.Nothing ever works out the way you want it to.
... It's been a year and I still don't quite know what I was trying to accomplish. Even if I never figure it out, I think I'll always feel like she became a different person. And maybe that's why I did it. It was words to a stranger and I couldn't care if she didn't understand, or if it hurt. Either way, like I wrote on livejournal, she became someone I didn't know, she became superficial, and vain, ...... No, that's not what I'm trying to do here. I'm not trying to reignite the pain and drama I caused. I don't know how to describe it. She wasn't vain or superficial, maybe she was, but regardless, I saw what I wanted to. I took the things I hated about people and gave those qualities to her. I had to hate her because it hurt too much to care anymore. We were drifting and I didn't want to float around, with no direction. I missed her and started to feel really disconnected because I felt like we never talked anymore. Even when we talked, it wasn't talking. We never had deep thoughts and I didn't know her anymore. I think I lashed out because she was a stranger and more than that was I was scared. I think I was scared because I saw her moving forward and I felt like I was being left behind. I didn't want to sit waiting forever. I didn't want to wait for something, or someone, that would never come back. I felt like I'd never have that close connection again, and we were so far gone, so distant, that it didn't matter what I said or how I said it. Maybe my thought process was, how can you care about someone you don't know anymore? And I didn't know how to deal with that. I didn't know how to deal with my best friend being that random stranger.
I know this won't really matter, it's all irreparable damage, I know that, and even if no one ever reads this, I need to know it's out there. It needs to be said. I can't start over, but I wish she hadn't become a stranger.
|Monday, December 31st, 2007|
|God....What A *insert word approriate word here* year!
So as the year comes to a close, like the billions of other people around the world, I reflect on the previous year. I don't really know how I feel about this year. I don't want to be all melodramatic and be pissed off and sad about this year, but I definately don't want to act like everything was bright and cheery and life was beautiful. That's not fair to anyone if I acted like that, plus it's totally not me. Oh but to get to the point.
Well to start I looked through my old entries, like from the beginning of the year, and I feel odd about that. I don't feel disconnected exactly but I feel like a whole different person. I remember writing those things and I remember feeling so passionate about whatever I was talking about but like for some reason now, I feel like completely cynical and kind of beaten down by life and all it's dissappointments. And that hurts me because I don't really want to be that person who thinks everything is hopeless. I think a big part of all it is my current situations. Miguel just causes so many problems at home and just makes me want to kill him and even though we've never gotten along well, I can't stand him anymore. I hate the way he breathes, the way he talks, what he talks about, all his friends, the fact that he seems to have given up on EVERYTHING, and the two things I resent him for most is, the fact that he doesn't respect my things, and that he can ruin Mom's few good moods with his nagging. I hardly ever see Mom anymore and when she comes home and is in a bad mood because of him, just makes me mad, because it's not my fault that he's an asshole, and then mom will take this tone with me even though I didn't do anything. And I hate that I haven't gotten things I need because he nags Mom until he makes himself seem more important than me.
That wasn't really supposed to be a whole rant on Miguel but every part of it is true and I think it's important that I do away with all this negativity and at least try to start fresh for 2008. Alright so on to more rants.
This isn't really a cynical thing, however it may come off that way, but it's more an observation. I think this year for me has been a year of loss. And not because anyone died, but because I've lost people due to emotions and just drifting away and disagreements. First off
I've lost my two or three crushes. While that's not such a bad thing I do feel sort of bad about that. I think I feel bad because I think it's some of my passion drifting away. I try to find that in other places but I don't feel the same. Because with a lot of the crushes I have/have had I think about them like all the time, and while I know that's not completely healthy, it's still passion, it's still some driving force inside me. The next
loss would be Leo. I can't stand him anymore. It's been like that for a while now. It started when he used to call the house like twice weekly drunk, like stumbling, won't remember the next day, drunk. And that's completely disrespectful to me and mom and I find something sort of trashy in that behavior. Then I sort of forgave him but then he came home and didn't even care that Mom was in pain from crashing into a fence the week before. He didn't care at all, he just wanted Mom to entertain him and buy booze for his friends. The next time he came home I was still mad from all that and he didn't even seem to notice that I left because I didn't want to see him. And when I was home all he could do was fawn over Annelyse. He was so obnoxious that I just wanted to punch him. He doesn't act like that, that's not him at all. So I stopped wanting to talk to him and I just kind of resented him. When he came home last week I was really happy that she couldn't come home. I thought maybe I'd get to hang out with him. The plan was for him to spend a few days with his friends and then for the next five days he'd hang out with us, family. I went home today to feed the animals and the fucking bitch showed up in her car. So that means I won't get to hang out with him for the rest of his visit. And the other day I was thinking about it and I think we're done hanging out. I think the last time we'll ever hang out and spend quailty time together was before he went to basic. And that hurts so much because we used to be really close. I don't think a person should ever try to change their girl/boy-friend and she "made" him stop smoking and drinking. And he doesn't see that if they get married, it's just going to be so much melodrama over everything with her family. And raising a kid, would be the hardest thing ever because they'd want it to be morman and he wouldn't want that. I just really don't think he's thought everything out and he really should because this isn't such an easy thing to fix. So I guess
next should be my friends. Well specifically you Krys. And this is the first time I've really been upfront about it. But I've decided I'm done. This isn't really how I thought it'd come out but I think it's appropriate. Anyhow. We started drifting quite a while ago, almost last year, and then it was more sudden during the summer-ish months. You didn't hang out with us anymore and a lot of times I felt like you acted better than us. And that's no way to treat friends. I totally understand wanting to be independent and wanting to define yourself but I don't think you're doing it the right way. When you move out you should support yourself, or at least have (and keep) a job. You don't even seem to care about your reputation and I understand dis-regarding gossip but you never even defended yourself, by saying that's not true or don't believe what you hear. And there was all this speculation about a lot of things and I think you should have at least told us the truth instead of making me assume things or told me something, I don't even care what it was about but I felt like I didn't even know you anymore. You were always sort of notoriously silent about things but it got even worse when you started dating Ryan. We didn't even talk about meaningless things. We just kind of sat there and I always felt like things we akward. I know you knew I didn't like him but you never asked why and I think that was a problem. I still don't know an exact reason for not liking him, but I think a lot of it was you left us all the time, and you'd drop all pre-arranged plans with us to go see him. And you changed a lot. I think people should change, even though sometimes I have problems accepting that, but you seemed to want to shed all things I liked about you. You didn't really have that same odd style, not caring about trends but still in an odd way fashion forward, your minimum make-up, your sort of completely devil-may-care attitude towards people and life. To me you started to seem sort of superficial. And I don't want to make you feel like I'm attacking you but this is how I've felt for quite a few months now. I'm not saying that it's all your fault, I know I wasn't supportive and I know I have so many faults and can be blamed for just as many things that went wrong as you, but this is all from my point of view, and all the things that hurt and disappointed me. You told Abby that you didn't think I liked you anymore. It's not exactly that, it's more that I've lost so much respect for you, and it's really hard to get over a lost friendship if I keep trying to repair something that simply cannot be fixed.I feel really
terrible to say or think that I've lost my passion for clothes and design but sometimes it can be overwhelming to think how many other designers are out there. And it's overwhelming looking for colleges because I know I don't have money for the really great ones. And then sometimes I think that I won't make it in the business. I think even if I don't do fashion design I'll do costume design. A lot of my fears about fashion come from watching shows like Project Runway and from my bad days, but sometimes when things get in my head they infect my entire thought process and ruin my entire day. But one thing that helps me is the thought that I have too much talent to waste being a teacher or some sort of civil servant, even though those are completely respectable carrers. Another significant loss
was the bookstore. It didn't close or anything like that but I've given up. I had all these amazing ideas to help bring in money and while Grandma had annoyed me for most of the year, I could take it. But like last month she just went too far. She said she wanted to move into the book-room and put the books in the apartment part. Well that's a bad idea to begin with, but then she said that this stupid girl had ideas for the store and they were going to do them. I've been telling her my ideas for 4 or more months and then some girl she barely knows says something and she's all ready to do it. That's bull. The fact that she couldn't care less about me or how I felt pissed me off. That just went over the line. You don't completely ignore your family, that's not right in any rationalized train of thought. So I gave up and now I don't care at all, and she's going to lose the store because she didn't listen. And she's going to be completely miserable and lonely when she doens't have anyone coming to visit with her.
But I think the biggest loss was a close connection with my mom. I think that happened because I haven't met her dude. She doesn't really understand why I won't and I've tried hard to explain it. A lot of it is she put me through this whole dating thing before. I was in like 2nd or 3rd grade and she was internet dating and she met dudes at our house, like 4 dudes. I know she didn't do anything with them but the fact that they were in my house hurt because I felt like I wasn't good enough, like I wasn't good company. I know she's more serious about this dude but she had promised me she would stop chatting and doing dating services but she didn't and that was a huge slap in the face. She constantly brings him up in conversation and I think that's insanely rude. That makes her seem boring and it's always the same story that I didn't want to hear in the first place. She's made all these future plans and she didn't even seem to care about how I felt. She talked about selling the house when I go to college but she has no right to because it was promised to us when we get older. It's not her house to sell. And then she talked about moving and all this other crap. I understand not wanting to live here, but she wanted to move to Montana. Now What the fuck is in Montana that's not here? Prolly not much, just more cold and more vast fields. I just think she's jumping too far ahead. And she just expects me to accept some dude just because she likes him. I've never been that sort of person and to ask me to be, just isn't fair.
Well That was a lot and there's still so much more inside of me screaming to be let out. But I don't think I have it in me tonight. This all is going to take a lot of time to heal and to be repaired but I'm on my way now. Current Mood: but not exactly in a bad way.
|Saturday, November 17th, 2007|
I still plan on posting a large entry, but right now I'm trying to decide how I feel. I'm very torn because I can't decide if I want to say everything and be done, or say everything and try to fix it. There's a lot of history that I dont want to just throw away but there's also a lot of hurt that I don't wanna go through again. It's very hard for me because what I say or do can't be undone. I think making that big of a decsion is insanely hard because it's so final and for something to be that definitive is really hard for me.
I really don't know at this point what I'm going to do. It might take me a long time to figure it out. But I know it's something I have to do because otherwise there will always be those nagging questions that I can't answer. I think to put everything out there leaves me very vulnerable and that kind of freaks me out, but like I said, I'll have to do it eventually. Current Mood: confused
|Tuesday, October 30th, 2007|
GAH!!! I'm so mad! I was supposed to start a jewelry class on Thursday and they postponed it until the spring. I know it's selfish of me to be mad, but I can't help it. I was really excited about taking the class but then the teacher's wife got sick. I do hope she gets better but I'm just disappointed.
I know it's selfish to be mad and disppinted when someone is sick but I think I deserve to be selfish. I just so mad at everything and this just adds to the frustration. Current Mood: aggravated
|Sunday, October 14th, 2007|
I'm not really sure if anyone reads or checks livejournal anymore. To me it doesn't really matter. I haven't been posting lately just because there's not really much to post about. I'm not usually vauge in my posts and that's pretty true to my character. Pretty soon though, I am going to talk about somethings that I've only discussed with a few people. I'm just totally sick of holding it in and acting like everything is fine. Life's not fine and everything isn't dandy and I really just want people to know that I'm not gonna hold it in. Maybe it does help for me to know, or at least think, that nobody's reading this or going to read what I have to say. If people do read the posts after this, I''m actually gonna be a lot better off because it's not going to be akward because I have things I want to say. It'll be akward because I said it.
I know this was really vauge but that's because you have to start off with a little confusion for people to get what you're saying. I'm tired tonight and I want to write this with an awake and clear mind, so I'm not gonna say everything tonight. I won't be any less pissed off, but I'll actually know what I'm typing.
I started this journal because I wanted to talk about serious things and I really don't think I've stayed true to that vision. I have to get back on track, and if that means upsetting some people, I think I'll be ok with that. Current Mood: annoyed
|Wednesday, September 26th, 2007|
Oh I know you could use a friend / But you don't seem to have the time.............. / Remember me? I used to be / your best time buddy that you couldn't wait to see / We're getting old It takes it toll / and hearts getting broken lead to people growing cold........ / I wonder where you've been / and I wonder who you've seen / Yeah I hope you find your dream / when you do I hope it's all it seems Current Mood: okay
|Monday, September 3rd, 2007|
This weekend has been pretty boring. I wanted to hang out with Kristy but that didn't happen. I hate how she never has time to hang out. I understand that she has a job and all that but we only hang out like twice a month. I stayed at the Lathrom's for two days though. That's always a lot of fun. On Saturday Abby and I made cornstarch goo and then later we stayed up until 5 watching movies. It was really awsome.
This weekend has also been Jared Leto weekend. It started by me watching music videos then a bunch of his movies. It was kinda cool. I think I want to have more obsession weeks or weekends. It's a lot of fun.
At random times I've felt really weird. Like just blank and my whole body feels weird. I don't really know how to describe it. I think I need to do something or go outside more. Maybe that will be my goal for tomorrow.
Hmmmm.....So I guess that's all. There's some things I've been thinking about but I don't quite think I'm ready to share them yet. Current Mood: blank
|Saturday, August 18th, 2007|
I don't really understand my brain. I have all these crushes on young celebrities and that's all fine and dandy, but then there's Robert Carlyle. He's like 45 or something, much older anyway. I don't really understand my fascination with him. I've only him in a couple movies and he is a good actor but I think my fascination goes deeper than that. AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY! It's not really a big deal, but it kind of bothers me.
Hmmmm. I'm bored as crap people! We need to hang out again. I haven't seen anybody in a week now. All I've been doing is sewing and I don't really have much to show for a week of sewing.
|Friday, August 17th, 2007|
I just felt like yelling. No reason. Current Mood: bored
|Saturday, August 4th, 2007|
Hmmmm.... So I'm listening to Fall Out Boy's song "The Take over, The Breaks Over". Ok the chorus is like "wouldn't you rather be a widow than a divorcee......". Thinking about it, and don't say I'm taking this too much to heart or over thinking it (my brain does it, it's not my fault!!) I think I'd rather be a widow. Because people pity you and are like "It was tragic, "it was going so well", and all that other nonsense. But with divorce people are like "oh they couldn't make it work", "she was a bad wife" and what-not. It may not have even been your fault, but people still act like it was and act like they know.
|Saturday, July 28th, 2007|
Hmmmmm.,......., So I haven't posted in a while. Nothing much to speak of really, except we stayed at Kristy's house the other day. That was a lot of fun. I love Kristy's house. I wish we could hang out there more often.
Oh, so this thing has been in the back of my mind for a while and I've decided it's true, at least for the current moment. I like skinny white guys. Expecially when they're kinda geeky. Now, don't get any ideas that I like anyone. It's just a generalization. Maybe if I met more black dudes (oh sorry African-American males, gotsa to be poltiically correct) I'd be more in love with them. But there are quite a few actors and people that I find attractive and they're skinny, white and geeky. I find something kind of endearing about it. Hhmmmmmm.......maybe more on that in later posts.
Ok my dear lovely people. I'll talk to you later. I just thought I should update you on what's happening in my brain. Current Mood: calm
|Monday, July 16th, 2007|
So Leo left yesterday. I'm kinda glad about it because I was really getting sick of Annelyse. She was here everyday and everyday they wrestled or she got in a grumpy/pissy mood. More so on Saturday (the only whole day before he left).
I'm kinda glad Leo left too because he disrupts my life. I have my little routines and everything but when he's here, it all gets screwed up. Then I get tired and all that jazz.
Besides Leo being here and leaving I haven't got much else to say. Except that we HAVE to do something. I am going out of my mind with boredom. This week will be the start of (I think) 3 weeks without going anywhere or hanging out with my peoples. I swear without you guys I'd be a total hermit. Twice I've realized that I havent left the house for 2 days straight. Hmmmmm.......... anyway.........
Ok well Imma go. LET"S DO SOMETHING!!! THE SUMMER IS GOING TO WASTE!!!!!!!
|Thursday, June 28th, 2007|
Hey guys, I just wanna say something.
I'm sorry that I've been.........well, for lack of a better word, bitchy.
There's a quote that say's "never ruin an apology iwth an excuse". This isn't really an ecuse, more an explanation because I feel like it's necassary.
Right now in my life everything's just being thrown at me. I've never been great at changes bvut now it's all happening at once. There's so many dissappointments that I'm tyring to deal with and just so many things to deal with.
I guess I'm saying that I have some things I need to work on and out. I just hope that you'll stick with me, and when I'm being bitchy just tell me to stop. That what friends are for, right?? Current Mood: gloomy
|Wednesday, June 6th, 2007|
Ok. So it's been a while since my last post. Not a lot has been happening lately so I don't really post anything.
ANyway, Sometimes I want to post things on here, or talk to you guys, but I'm afraid of what will happen. It's nothing totally drastic, but I feel it's important. Even if I do say it, more than likely, it won't be taken to heart. Hmmm...... So I guess what I'm trying to say is, will you guys listen and not get mad?? It mostly concerns one to two people but also concerns the WHOLE group. And when I do tell you guys, don't get offended or think I'm over-reacting because I've talked to our friends and they sorta feel the same way.
So,..........yeah. That's all I have to say today. Comment me or talk to me on Msn. All I need to know is that you guys are ok with hearing it.
|Friday, May 25th, 2007|
Hmmmm..... So people haven't really been posting lately. That's alright I guess. Either way, I'll still post.
Well mom went to the hospital and that's all over and done with. Although now I have to pack the place where they cut her open. It's really gross but I'll do it so she doesn't have to stay in the hospital. I wrote something for LJ at the hospital but right now I don't feel like typing that up.
Anyway, Leo's here. And he's been here since like 8 and I'm already highly pissed off and disappointed. He'll never admit it, but he's becoming an alcoholic. He got here and asked mom to go buy him beer and other alcohol, like the minute he got here. And he drink ALL the time. I hate people who drink, it;s so gross and I lose total respect for them. But then like he KNOWS we have a rule about no smoking in the house but I came out from helping mom, and there were 6 people in here smoking. That's just disrespectful! And he's kind of showing off and stuff for some guy that here. He invited Nick and Matt here (which they are fine, they're quiet and respectful) but then he called Bazil and Andrew and Andrew is INSANELY loud and rude. Then Andrew invited like 2 or 3 people over without even ASKING! That's not ok. And like Leo is just a whore (I've always known that) but he like made out with a chick who he's been leading on for like EVER. And he expects people to compromise their morals for him.
Maybe you guys think that's a little harsh but like it's all the truth, nothing is exaggerated. I just need to blow off steam before I blow up. I never sent that letter that I wrote, but I think I might give it to him later.
He's supposed to take me to the movies again, this time on MY Terms, but I have a feeling that I'll get screwed out of that again.
|Saturday, May 19th, 2007|
I'm really rather disappointed. The weekend out of school and everyone is too busy to do stuff. I don't understand. It kinda makes me upset because I haven't seen you people in forever and now it's gonna be like another 2 weeks before we get to do stuff. I understand people have their own lives but it seems that we all are too busy for each other. That's really upsetting.
|Monday, May 14th, 2007|
I HAVE MY INTERNET BACK!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYYAYYAYYAYAYAYAYAYYAY!!!!! I MISSED IT!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: Estatic
|Sunday, May 6th, 2007|
I tried to post earlier, and it was really rather long. Kinda pointless and random but I felt like typing. Anywho, I typed it all up was ready to click Post, and something happened and my computer went back two pages. I didn;t even click anything, my cursor was at the bottom of the screen. I still don't know what happened but I was very angry. It was bullshit. So I gave up, and didn't want to think about what I had just typed, and type it again.
I'll fill all of you in on my life later. But for now, I'll just be angry.
|Saturday, April 28th, 2007|
I think I'm going to send this, but I'd like to know what you people think of it. (Oh and this is my first time posting on a community.!)
This letter is to my older brother. We got really close during the last year.
|Thursday, April 19th, 2007|
|HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR. Christensen. (sung with a sexy voice)
I ALMOST FORGOT!!! It's my love's birthday. Why who, why HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN, of course. Happy Birthday. I guess it just slipped my mind. But I caught myself before I was a made a total fool.
Anyway, I hung out with Krys, Tony, Kristy, and for a short while, Duston. It was fun. Although we need to establish some rules about the phone and then later just general rules for relationships and the houses. But we'll get to that later.
Oh. I know it's odd ( but have you ever known me to be not odd?) but I bought Avril Lavinge's new cd. I heard it on youtube and it kinda struck a chord with me. The lyrics are really bratty and playful and the beats are kinda new-age Tony Basil (Mickey, the song in Bring it on). And DON"T JUDGE ME!
Ok that's it for now. And see people, I filled you in on a little bit that is going on in my life and it was painless and took maybe 5 minutes. IT WON"T KILL YOU TO POST!!